Dinner and Dishes

When my grandparents Bob and Violet became empty nesters, they realigned their division of duties. During their child rearing years my Grandma stayed at home with the kids. She did the meal planning, the grocery shopping and the family had a clean up rotation. After the kids all left home within a few years of one another, they shifted these duties. My whole life growing up I remember my Grandma Raynor doing the meal planning with my Granddad. 

 They would discuss what was ripe and ready to harvest in the garden and plan around that. We often had sliced beefsteak tomatoes with homemade buttermilk dressing as a side to steak or chicken. 
After they planned the menu together, my Granddad would go grocery shopping once or twice a week. He did the main shopping, I only remember my Grandma going to the grocery store if she was shopping for a special ingredient at an out of the way market or there was something that my Granddad hadn't found. 
Other than barbecuing (what we call grilling in Southern California), my Grandma did most of the cooking. I do remember my Granddad being on hand to lift heavy pots from the stove to the sink or help with cooking lobsters, canning or making jams and jellies. The nightly dinners however were made by my Grandma. I'm not sure what they did when we weren't around, but when any of us grandkids were there we always sat down at the table together and ate as a family. After dinner the dishes were cleared and my Granddad shooed us all out of the kitchen. My grandma and I would sometimes get our bowl of ice cream right away and sometimes we'd wait, but we'd head into the family room to watch Jeopardy and the Nightly News. My grandma knitted or stitched while Granddad cleaned the entire kitchen before retiring to his nightly ritual of listening to music on NPR with a glass of wine. 
In my own home growing up my Dad Lloyd and later my stepdad, Dad Ron did most of the cooking and us kids or sometimes my mom would clean up. I hadn't realized how important it was to communicate these division of duties until I married someone whose mom did all of the planning, shopping, cooking and cleaning up. "Research has demonstrated that couples who have an equal partnership have happier relationships, better individual well being, and better functioning children." (p. 43)  It is important to discuss early on what this balance and division of duties and responsibilities will look like, and it is equally important to be flexible and open to change as time goes on. My grandparents were a great example to me in that regard. 
Another way that they set a shining example, was simply how long they were together. My Grandma passed away less than 6 months before their 50th wedding anniversary. During that time my grandparents worked together to raise 3 children and they welcomed six grandchildren. They were hardworking, thrifty, humble, gracious and they both loved animals. I was born 10 days shy of my Grandma's 40th birthday, so I have memories of her while she was young. I watched my grandparents work together to make decisions about paint color, light fixtures, garden plots and where to retire. I saw that they were deliberate in their decision making and other than surprise gifts (they were great gift givers), they did not make major purchases or even small ones if they impacted the other person without involving the other. 
If there was a piece of art work or a decor item for the home that was to be purchased, it was often discussed, deliberated, planned and measured for, saved for and then bought. 
I admit that all of this seemed tedious and tiresome to me as a child and teenager. I truly thought it was overkill to visit 4 or 5 different stores and then go home empty handed when they were shopping for a new porch light. Now that I have been married for 28 years, I am appreciating more the wisdom in their careful planning of purchases, travels, moves, etc....
They lived a life of "measure twice, cut once" and it truly seemed to save a lot of disappointment and heartache. I know that my grandparents had flaws and disagreements. They were not perfect, but their steady support of each other through a lifetime of ups and downs reminds me of what researcher Scott Stanley said, "Committed couples hunker down and stay the course together" (p. 72) and Bob and Violet certainly did that.....for more than 
50 years.

References

Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives Edited by Alan J Hawkins, David C. Dollahite, Thomas W. Draper (2016)